The Year of Fear

It’s been plaguing me for 3-4 years.  Talking about fear.  Honestly, I was fearing talking about fear.  Crazy.  In the year since my Ignatius retreat, fear has become a serious reality in my life.  I had a significant spiritual experience on that retreat and the scales were lifted from my eyes and the humbling fear I held was exposed.  There were many “sub-fears” or minor fears that all stemmed from the core issue.

Only today to I feel comfortable to bring it into the open and address because I believe it’s systemic in men today.  An open discussion about fear because men need to talk about it and get passed it.  Here we go.

So what is it?  Fear of failure?  Fear of being good enough?  Fear of being loved?  Yes all of those, but it’s not the root fear.

It’s Fear of Death.  Yes, Death.  How do you say, you’re devote catholic…you do many Catholic things, church and devotions, and prayers?  All I can say to that is, “Yup and you’re right”.  A year ago in that retreat, during adoration, it was exposed; and like a panic attack, it hit my chest.  “I remember thinking my children would be taking from me forever.”  “All I do here on earth is all there is, I should do more, I’m wasting my life.”

Now intellectually, I “should” not be afraid.  I “should” rejoice in God’s grace for me, and that I will see my loved ones in heaven.  However, I have been living, acting and conducting my life like what I do on this earth matters in a way that it’s the only thing.  Career, money, prestige, friends, and knowledge was not such a top priority that anyone from the outside could see my attachment, however, all of those things keep me paralyzed.

Why have I done that?  I don’t know yet.  It was a gradual slope is all I can tell you now.  I hope to look back to figure it out, however, maybe it doesn’t matter? I’m not sure yet?

Today, I’m no longer paralyzed, but I’m not fully mobile either; I’m recovering.  So with that in mind, lets begin a great year.

In Christ…